Worth

I recently went on a first date. It wasn’t a good first date. He continually talked about how much he worked. Not because he loved his work. I don't even think he liked his work. He was just focused on having enough money accumulated to be able to retire in the next few years. The yellow flag hit the field. As we talked more I discovered he worked long hours, 7 days a week so I asked “How do you have time for a relationship?” “Oh I have time, like once a week for a few hours.” His response was a red flag hitting me in the face. This man didn't have time to be in a relationship, or at least not the kind of relationship I want. 

We went our separate ways. As I sat in my car I could feel the tightness in my chest that told me I was about to cry. I ignored the voice telling me it was silly to be crying over a man I hardly knew and I let myself feel. I felt small, worthless and defeated. Old stories of I’m too needy and If only I was prettier/sexier/funnier, he would make time for me and I was never going to find someone because I wasn't worthy of being loved tugged at me like a rip tide, trying to pull me under.  As I took a deep breath I could see the truth. The choice he was making, to work all the time with a singular focus on having a good life in three year from now, was just that, his choice. That decision was not a reflection of my worth. I said this softly aloud hearing, like an echo, all the times it had been said to me before. It finally sank in. 

Their choices are not a reflection of my worth.

It was truly a light bulb moment. Like I’d flipped a switch and all the times I’d heard this message, suddenly became illuminated. That guy who ghosted, not a reflection of my worth. That friend who judged every personal choice, not a reflection of my worth. That gaslighting boss, not a reflection of my worth. 

Most importantly, and I will forever be grateful for this awkward date because of this…. My parents repeated boundary violations, not a reflection of my worth. My parents continued invalidation of my emotional needs, not a reflection of my worth. My parents inability to accept me for the person that I am, not the person they want me to be, not a reflection of my worth. 

I wept in relief, ecstasy and grief with this illumination. I was relieved at being able to put down the burden of others dictating my value. I was ecstatic in realizing how much that freed me from limitation. And I grieved. The deep grief of confronting the knowledge that those you love are limited in their ability to love you back. 

photo credit @matthardy

The only choices that reflect my worth are my choices. I choose me. I choose to unconditionally love myself. I choose to care for myself. I choose compassion, growth, joy, and vulnerability. I choose to prioritize my health and happiness over the perception of others. 

Today’s Affirmation from @reynacohan

Nothing external diminished me

Because I know my worth is non negotiable

& I am inherently valuable

With Love,

Erin