Crimson

Romantic relationships have always been elusive to me. It's strange to use the word elusive, as if relationships are some rare thing that I could only capture if I did exactly the right things. That isn't the reality but it is how I felt as a teen. I tried to be cute enough or funny enough, or smart enough or thin enough to ensnare a boyfriend. By the end of college I began to feel fated to walk the earth alone. Cursed by some kind of divine punishment, for what I didn't know.

'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.' Carl Jung

My unconscious was certainly directing me away from relationships, but why? I dipped into my unconscious and I found that a part of me desired being single. Single allowed me to feel safe and it gave me control. An incredibly vivid image came to me once while meditating on this.  A small boat on a perfectly still body of water. The message -  being alone gave me emotional safety and control. All my previous relationships with family, friends and my few partners were built on sacrificing my needs to serve the other. These relationships all brought a storm to those waters. My boat would be tossed around in the choppy waters of trying to be another person's happiness. So my unconscious sought isolation as a cure for emotional tempest. 

I didn't know how to be emotionally safe in a relationship.

As a self possessed 30 year old I relentlessly sought healing. I learn how to have healthy boundaries. I uncovered the power of shame, along with how to combat it. I gained the ability to say no. I was floored when I discovered that my needs were valid and that there is such a thing as reciprocal relationships. I listened to my body and mind discovering how to prioritize my mental and emotional health.I practiced these things at work, with friends and family. Throughout these years of learning I remained single. Until I felt ready. Ready, to accept love, to ask for what I needed, to be in a relationship. And I met someone. 

I was ready, BUT. No amount of individual healing was going to give me practice in how to break patterns in an intimate relationship. It took me six months to ask for what I needed. Six months of contortion, trying to be what he needed. Six months of clutching tight the good stuff, the laughter, the companionship, the intimacy while shoving down the anxiety that said it might all go away. At the six month mark my unmet needs outweighed my fear he would say no and leave. 

Guess what folks, he said NO. 

The crimson flag is almost blinding when I turn to survey our history. But a second look shows the flag is made up of tattered pieces sewn together. These little bits of fabric had laid like detritus along our relationship, only when accumulated and stitched together did it become obvious. 

For him our relationship was an escape, an oasis from his life. 

For me our relationship was a chance to build a future with someone. 

Old stories of unworthiness erupted from the wound of being dumped. Those voices raged for quite some time before I found my way back to myself. Then I began trying to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not seeing this truth. Forgive myself for not listening to my intuition. Forgive myself for stepping back into the pattern of sacrificing my needs. Forgive myself for not seeing the signs. But true compassion for myself is knowing this is my story. I’m not the victim of my choices, I am the Hero because of them.

I was brave, saying yes to something that required my vulnerability. 

I was strong, confronting buried parts of myself, my needs, and my triggers.

I was transformed, asking for what I needed despite the crippling fear that he would say no. 

And when my worst fear materialized, I survived.