Boundaries

I’ve been a little obsessed with boundaries for the past few months. Thinking about where I have boundaries, where I don’t, how others interact with my bounidres and how I interact with other peoples boundaries?

But lets start with the basics.  What is an emotional/mental boundary?

We have lots of examples of physical boundaries, from cement walls to baby gates. Human made structures to keep things in or out. This is often the image in our head when we think emotional boundaries. It is certainly the way that I’ve thought about them in the past and sometimes still do. A solid impenetrable boundary used to deter bad things from entering and keeping the good things in. But as much as I can imagine a big wall around my heart or my energy there are some flaws to that thinking.*

So I invite you to think of emotional boundaries less like man made structures and instead consider the innate or intrinsic boundary you have when you touch something hot. That boundary is instinctual, when you push to far you end up hurt and most importantly its not one size fits all.

If I think about my boundaries in this way, I can’t make blanket statements. If I declare “I never touch hot things.” It would be a declaration which I couldn’t maintain, I’m literally siting with a mug of hot tea that I’ve delightedly wrapped my chilled hands around. Translate that into an emotional boundary and a declaration of “I will not act as anyone’s counselor. “ is equally untrue. There are times when I do want to actively listen, support and hold space for a friend. Boundaries are flexible, making inflexible or deterministic declarations means we create something which will eventually be cracked or broken by our very own actions.

So lets take this idea of emotional boundaries as deeply personal, something you know to be true without knowing it, and can be wounding when not taken seriously and dive a little deeper.

Boundaries have a bad reputation. In fact, in the not that distance past, someone said to me ”When you said that it felt like you were putting up a boundary!” They were baffled, offended and completely taken aback when I replied “Yes that was a boundary.” instead of the expected acquiesce to their needs/worry. Here is the thing is so often missed about boundaries-

MY BOUNDARY IS NOT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT ME.

Yes a person or a situation may trigger a need to set a boundary, or illuminate one you didn’t know you had but the song is NOT about you.

Think about it this way. You are at an outdoor gathering on a lovely summer day. You may wear shorts and a t-shirt or a nice summer dress. I will likely look like this.

A bit of an exaggeration, that said I’ve been seen a parties wrapped in a blanket.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

I always run cold, so I dress in a way to keep me warm, comfortable and so I can enjoy myselt.  Lets think of our clothing choice like our boundaries. In this situation I would likely wear long pants and at the very least have a jacket with me. I do this so I’m comfortable and safe. Is my choice a reflection or judgment of your t-shirt? NO.

Our emotional boundaries are the same way, each person puts on the clothing they need to feel comfortable, safe and find enjoyment in each situation. And each situation potentially calls for a different set of cloths or boundaries to maintain safety, comfort and enjoyment.

This clothing metaphor is really working for me because so often we are judged by our choice of clothing, especially if it is outside the societal norm. The same things happens when we set boundaries that are outside societal norms. Someone wears a cocktail dress to the grocery store, raised eyebrows are almost guaranteed. Much like if a coworker says ‘we can be collegial but we don’t have to be close friends’ raised eyebrows and potentially water cooler talk is sure to follow. Just like the cocktail dress the desire to have a distinction between colleague and friend is a personal choice. This person isn’t judging their colleague; they are being clear about a boundary that keeps them safe, comfortable and allows to enjoy their work and their friends.

YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT YOUR NEEDS!

I wanted to be very clear about this point because we are so conditioned (especially womxn) to compromise our boundaries. But its hard to argue with needing a jacket when you are cold or dropping a pan because the handle is too hot. Your boundaries are about your needs.

And just like you know when something is too hot to touch or your body is cold, you intuitively know your boundaries. Your body tells you when a boundary has been crossed. It can trigger physical and emotional reactions ranging from tears and withdrawal to screaming and rage. Listen to yourself, set your boundaries and wear what they fuck you want/need to feel safe, comfortable and be your BEST DAMN SELF!

With love,

Erin

*More boundary talk next month