Reciprocal*
I’ve been thinking a lot about reciprocal relationships. This came up because I’m having the same basic conversations with all the people in my life. Conversations about fear or anxiety about the future. Conversations about how to stay mentally and physically healthy while isolated. Conversation about how unrecognizable our world has become. At the end of these conversations I find myself feeling one of two ways either drained, my cup feels empty or energized, my cup feels full. So why is the conversation the same but the outcome so different? Some of my relationships are not reciprocal.
Those of you who know me know I’m a natural caretaker, I taught kindergarten for 5 yrs for god sake. I give off big ‘I’m here to help’ energy and I am here to help, to listen with empathy and to give lots of love. But right now when it’s hard to refill my cup I’ve noticed some relationships I’ve cultivated leave my cup drained. They are not reciprocal relationships.
There are three patterns that are showing up in my non reciprocal relationships with friends, partners, family, colleagues and sometimes even acquaintances: the priest, the counselor and the toilet.
The Priest Pattern I have a conversation with someone they share with me something that they feel shame or guilt about. I listen with empathy and love and tell them shame is bullshit, they feel absolved.
The Counselor Pattern I have conversations with someone they share something that they want to change in their life, or a worry or a frustration. I listen with empathy and love and try to clarify what it is that is bothering them and provide what small guidance I have to give. They feel seen, heard and like they have some agency in the situation.
The Toilet Pattern I have a conversation with someone and they share all their unprocessed, unanalyzed shit. I listen with empathy and love and mostly don't say anything because that isn't what they want or need. They feel lighter having just dumped their shit.
Now this is not to say I have a laundry list of people in my life who call me and never ask about my life and simply walk away when they have what they need. But I do have more relationships than I realized that implicitly ask for more of me then I ask of them in return. That said -
I don't have to show up as anyone's priest, counselor or toilet!
So what is a reciprocal relationship?
Tarot helped me answer this question. When I began thinking about this issue the tarot card I had pulled for the day was the 2 of Coins/Pentacles.
The traditional interpretation of this card is not directly related to interpersonal relationships but something about the image kept nagging at me. It was the two coins being juggled in the man's hands. The coins are in motion but also in balance. Not perfectly balanced like a set of scales but balanced in motion, the juggled coins reflect one another. Reciprocal relationships exhibit this kind of flux, moving in relation to one another and changing as the people in the relationship change.
I was also struck by the infinity symbol holding those two coins together and how the conversations that filled my cup felt like that. I shared energy, empathy, love, and those things were shared back, infinitely exchanging. Even if I'm playing the role of ‘supporter’, there was still an equitable exchange of the only things that really matter, love and empathy.
I recognized what was bothering me - ✔. I identified what I want - ✔. Now what do I do?
I love and respect myself enough to ask for what I want from those I love. It took years of practice to even be able to make that simple statement and it's still something I put conscious work towards almost daily.
The true herculean act of self love is to know you are worthy of relationships that make you feel seen, heard, loved, supported and then ask for the people in your life to treat you that way. None of us change over night, but all of us are capable of trying to meet the needs of those we love.
For me this practice centers around being seen and heard. So for those in my life who I don't feel seen or heard by I can say “Hey I just really need you to listen right now.” which will hopefully let me emerge from the other side of the confessional, get out of the therapist chair and leave the fucking bathroom.
It looks so simple here in black and white but it’s not. It's hard to ask for something when you don't know how the other person will respond, it's hard to change established patterns in a relationship, it's hard to be vulnerable. I’m here to say you are worth the fear and vulnerability to create a deeper connection with those you love. You are worthy of relationships that feed you. You are worthy.
Sending you love without condition,
Erin
*Original Post Date - April 7th, 2020
