Say Yes

I grew up believing the worst thing I could do, was to tell someone no. I didn’t tell many people no. I couldn’t face the disappointment, or the anger or the possibility that my no meant a retraction of their love and care. I became a professional contortionist the way I twisted, shrank and bent over backward to meet the needs of others while sacrificing myself. All because I thought the hardest thing to do was to tell someone no. 

I recently said no to a part of my life. It has been difficult, grief inducing and the best decision I’ve ever made. But as hard as that no was, I would never have had the strength to do it without first saying yes to wholeheartedly accepting love.

I’m no talking prince charming love. I’m talking the deep, infinite, life altering love of friends. Their support, care and connection changed my life. To say yes to these reciprocal connections I had to unlearn my perfected skills of people pleasing and learn new skills that required vulnerability.

As these fantastic people began finding their way into my life, their love gave me the blueprint for how to love myself. They didn’t want or need me to shrink so they could shine.  We illuminated each other. I began to learn to take up space. They didn’t want to need me to earn their time or love. We spent time together out of mutual enjoyment. I began to learn I am enough. They didn’t want or need me to play a certain role in their stage production. I began to learn who I was in the absence of expectations. They didn't need or want to judge me for my life choices. I began to learn to follow my own compass. 

Learning to say yes to myself was hard. Learning to say yes to the love of another was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A change of mind is incremental, and also excruciating. Removing the belief that I was yoked by the expectations of others, to the belief I was worthy of love as is, demanded that I learn to say yes to those that believed the same. It felt dangerous to accept this new truth. Sometimes I resisted this belief. Sometime I retreated from this belief. Sometime I rejected this belief. But the phenomenal people, who I had said yes to loving, choose to loved me back as I inched my way toward this change of mind.

Thank you to those I love so dearly and who love me in return. I will never truly be able to express how much you have shaped my life for the better. And thank you for being with me as I shed a part of my past, and I practice being as luminous as all of you!

With Love,

Erin