Stillness*

This weekend I numbed out. I consumed a outrageous amount of television and made a deep imprint on my couch. I thought I was just taking a break, but it developed into something much more insidious than a break. I watched show after show, eating any salty carb available. I clicked continue watching as my butt literally hurt from sitting too long. I didn’t do my dishes( I live alone and my dishes take 5 minutes). I had to bribe myself into doing a 30 minute yoga video. I slept poorly both nights and felt no more rested despite my ‘break’.

I felt I needed a break because the week preceding I had over scheduled myself. Mile long to-do lists each day, making myself be productive. And honestly that felt like crap, which is why I needed a break.

Coffee, couch imprint and cat

I’d made choices that gave me the illusion of external splendor at the cost of internal corruption. Yes a bit dramatic but it feels true. The Great Pause (I didn’t coin this term but love it) has filled my social media with glorification of couches as thrones or worshiped the crafting, homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, exercising, walking, gardening ect. of the busy. But neither of these are patterns to emulate. They are mechanisms used to unplug from the world. Our society uses productivity as a measure of worth, those who work longer, harder, endlessly are to be honored. And in the same moment encourages us to numb out with consumables.  Both have the same outcome, a detachment from the outside but also detachment from ourselves. Being out of communication with myself this weekend was not what I wanted. It also came at the cost of my physical and mental health.

Culturally we don’t know how to be still. No one has taught us how to rest or how to pause.

Yet here we all are in the midst of The Great Pause. When what is needed is a pause and internal realignment. For me I can only find alignment when I find stillness. Stillness can mean sitting in meditation but it doesn’t have to be. I find it most often when I stop to think “Why” before I add something to my to-do list, turn on the TV or pour that third glass of wine. Finding stillness and listening to what your internal compass says isn’t easy, and few of us were taught how to do this. I know I wasn’t.

I’m not here to vilify TV or vilify productivity. Both things are very important parts of my life but neither when done without intention serves me well. 

In stillness I can find my intention, the reason I want to do something. In stillness I can assess if my actions match my intention. I think of moments of stillness like the peak of a breath. I’ve taken a big inhale and then in that moment before the exhale there is a fullness and a time in between. I like this metaphor because as I inhale I’m refueling, followed but a much needed release. In stillness I can connect with my internal compass and deiced what is fuel and what need to be released.

Mantis is a symbol of stillness

So I’m challenging myself  and inviting you to do the same, to find as much stillness as I can. I know I will fall into the coping mechanisms of numbing or doing during this tumultuous time  and there is no shame in that. But I want to try to ask why before I sit in front of the TV or add something to my to-so list. Because sometimes the answer can and will be yes, I do want to sit down and watch a show and not think. Or yes I do want to deep clean my whole damn house because it will feel good to get something done. But if I want to maintain connection to my internal compass I need to make those decisions with intention. 

With Love,

Erin

*Original Post Date - April 22nd, 2020