Pandora*

Recently a friend asked me “If the school year hadn’t started so badly would you still have quit?” The short answer is yes but it made me think. What would be different if the school year hadn’t started so horrendously?

A little context-  I teach kindergarten, that is a challenge in and of itself but the school district decided that our enrollment numbers were low enough that we didn’t need four teachers we only needed three. The result of that decision was that I started the school year with 25 five year old children and one teacher, me. This is not what is best for students, that fact is not up for debate. 

I came to work and felt like a failure every day. There wasn’t enough of me for the needs of 25 kindergartners and their families. I was overwhelmed, full of shame and slowly collapsing in on myself. I was trying to keep a raft afloat, my only tool was my breath. I was desperately breathing everything I had into the raft trying to keep my students happy, healthy and learning. As I worked to keep it all above water I was sinking. I was unhappy, unhealthy and felt stuck. This time was dark.

Where would I be if something outside of my control had not created this turmoil? I wouldn’t have started counseling, which is the BEST decision I’ve ever made. I would still live with feelings of inadequacy and guilt about my work. I would still be shaming myself. I wouldn’t be writing this blog. And I wouldn’t be me, this me right now. This me, who I’m so ecstatic to be. I love who I am right now and who I have the potential to grow into next. None of that would have been possible without intense pressure and subsequent implosion of the structures I’d created in my life and I’m so GRATEFUL.

Yeah I surprised myself with this realization too. How can I be thankful for depression and trauma? How can I appreciate being pushed to the point of collapse by someone else’s decision? Because I’m grateful for what I learned and who it has helped me become. 

The Giant Sequoia needs a forest fire to germinate. A destructive force is required to release the seeds and make room for new life to grow.

I’m telling this story today because when I realized how grateful I was for this Fall, I realized how grateful I will be about the pandemic. I’m not saying I’m fully ready to be happy about the anxiety, isolation, and the larger societal impact of COVID. I’m also not saying I will ever be grateful for the lives lost and the trauma inflicted. But I realized the potential blessing the current weight of fear, uncertainty and disruption has to offer. Nothing will ‘go back to the way things were’ including ourselves. We will grow from this.

I named this post Pandora not just because of the memes going around but because we are all Pandora right now. We opened a jar with a whole host of demons to battle, most of which we cannot attack directly. And like Pandora there is something we gain as we face these monsters. The world didn’t know what Hope was before Pandora opened that box. Imagine that for a moment, a world without the concept of hope?

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Hard to imagine, right? At the bottom of the box labeled global pandemic there is a blessing that we have no concept for yet. The unfortunate start of the school offered me opportunity to believe my mental wellness is worth prioritizing. I didn’t have a concept for what that meant or how to go about maintaining good mental hygiene until I experienced the demons of a job that continually demanded more of me than I could ever possibly give.  Now I know how to prioritize my mental health and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. 

I don’t know what growth/lesson/blessing we will find at the bottom of the pandemic box. And that lesson isn’t sitting there waiting for us to just pick up, it will be hard fought. The experiences that help us identify who we want to be in this world are never easy.

With Love,
Erin

*Original Post Date April 30th, 2020

Change is the support of stability – James Wasserman