Hope

I’ve recalibrated my expectations. The dial, once set to cautious optimism, is now solidly set to pessimism. I didn’t consciously wake up and make this change, it came as a response to the steady drip of uncontrollable events impacting my life. Over the last two years I’ve been confronted with how much of my life is influenced by the actions of others AND how utterly outside of my control the choices of others are. I’ve become practiced at squashing any thoughts about future plans or desires. After so many disappointments both globally and personally I've begun protecting myself. So instead of getting hurt, I turned off my hope. It feels so dangerous to hope. 

“Hope is vulnerable.” Lindsay Mack. This statement aggressively shook me out of the false peace I’d created. And then I sat with the realization that I am afraid to hope. 

I want to dare to hope again. 

How can I hope now? The world isn't any less beyond my control, fear and anxiety are frequent unwelcome bedmates. Hope still feels dangerous.I wont be able to turn the dial from inpendinging doom to sunshine and unicorns overnight but how about I find my way to neutrality. I allow myself to have a hopeful thought, simply allow it. I don’t need to squash that hope or start building a foundation on top of it but simply allow myself the space for hope. 

My plan, start small. Seek little joys. Make and look forward to little plans. I plan to take advantage of the warm dry days to come and drink a coffee while listening to voices around me. I plan to go to watch the local aerial arts show and trust that my N95 will keep me and those I love safe. They are such little things, but that's okay. I don't have to overhaul my life in an afternoon. I also know myself well enough to know that I need security mixed in with my risks. So if I want to dare to hope, to take on that risk I need to be sure I am also secure. Some may be able to flip a switch but I need the incremental turning of a dial.

The recognition that I had again retreated behind walls to find security is what helped me to let those walls fall. Hope is daring and terrifying. Hope is the exquisite mixture of all possible futures both light and dark. Hope is a super power and without it I was suffering. Find little ways to hope, even if it's just the hope of a new leaf on your favorite plant, or the chance to enjoy a coffee in the sunshine. It is worth the risk to hope and make room for joy. 

With Love,
Erin