Permission

I ended my relationship with my parents and you have permission to do the same thing.

Did that sentence spark some strong feelings? Understandable. Culturally we don’t talk about family with anything other than love, loyalty or satire. There is the perceived contract that says we have to repay a debt to those who raised us, no matter the personal cost.

I want to share a little of my experiences with separating from my family. Why? To illuminate the vast amount of intentional work that goes into creating healthy relationships with family. As well as to normalize that it’s okay to say goodbye to unhealthy family relationships. Unlike cutting off an old coworker or even an ex-partner the choice of going no contact with your family is so heartbreaking, isolating and counter culture you need all the support you can get.

The one sentence summation of my story - My parents were unable to accept and respect my needs and repeatedly violated the boundaries I put in place to meet those needs.

If the emotional and mental labor of creating healthy relationships were a sport I would be an ultra marathoner. I pounded mile after bone weary mile to try and find a way to have a healthy relationship with my family. No part of this five year journey was easy. At the beginning I was so tethered to this idea that I HAD to have a relationship with my parents, that I OWED them something, that I tried just about every possible configuration you can imagine to try and find a healthy way to have a relationship with them

Nothing worked without them also desiring change, which they didn’t not. So I was left with an unfathomable choice. A mentally and emotionally harmful relationship or not have a relationship with my parents. I made the grief inducing choice of walking away, carrying with me the heavy knowledge that my parents were either unwilling or unable to meet my needs. While also carrying with me the expansive understanding that I was both willing and able to do what I needed to meet my needs.

Here is some of what I learned during on the journey to this crossroad.

Our family of origin is not only the first but also one of the most complex relationships we have. We are born into a relationship with an absolutely imbalance of power. Developmentally our child brain believes that our survival depends on the love of our parents. Without love, no food, no clothes, no warmth, so tuned to survive we do ANYTHING to be worthy of our parents’ love.

What that can mean is children may, as I did, contort or transform themselves to meet the needs of their parents. This may or may not be an explicit ask of child, or an implicit reinforcement of a desirable behavior.

What this looked like for me as a young child was trying to hide or deny my emotions.  I, like all children, had big emotions which I didn’t know how to process, or regulate. Emotional regulation is taught through co-regulation with a safe adult. My parents either didn’t know how to do that or my emotional needs triggered anxiety in them or they were simply unable to co-regulate. I don’t know.* In place of validation, and co-regulation I got shame, “You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Or “You’re just tired. Go to sleep you’ll feel better in the morning.” “Do you want me to give you a reason to cry.”

Now hold on to the idea of impact trumping intention because this is how my child brain interpreted these messages. Emotions are bad. Something is wrong with me. I shouldn’t be so emotional. My parents don’t like it when I cry. This was the impact of those repeated messages. Were these the intended results my parents wanted, likely not. But with all the cognitive ability of a small child, doing all that I could to survive, I tired to hide, shrink and push down my emotions so that my parents would be happy with me.

What incredible influence and power parents hold over their children, and that power doesn’t go away. My parents, to this day, are still unable to see, let alone validate my needs and feelings. They are stuck with the narrative that I’m “overly emotional”, which opens the door to disregarding any need I have as “too much.”

Yes our families are just regular people, who have likely experiences their own harm, who needed support when raising you, who did the best they could. But this isn’t about punishing them for the past but asking them to do better now. Healthy adult-to-adult relationships should have equal power without one party causing harm to the other.

It takes all parties doing explicit work to re-balance the power dynamics in family relationships. What I experienced and what I see echoed in relationships around me is the power imbalance getting stuck. Those with the power, continue to hold on to it. What this looks like as adults is things like guilting, shaming, coercion or just plain “I’m your father” style strong-arming used as tools to try have you do what they want. It could be something as simple always choosing restaurants they like or the more draining pattern of having to sooth their anxiety/worry over something that you’re experiencing, when they should be supporting you.

We could get side tracked by intention vs. impact again. But if any of this is resonating with you I have the sneaking suspicion that you have tried, multiple times to discuss impact. You’ve tried to ask for things to change. You’ve expressed a desire to be treated differently. You’ve adapted when or how you spend time with your family to try and mitigate the impact. And yet the patterns continue, the impact remains unhealthy and harmful.

As my therapist often reminds me, as long as someone has breath in their body they can change. And guess what, as you sit here reading this, in the countless sessions spent with your therapist, in your time journaling and sitting with your feeling, every book you read, every ted talk you watched every podcast you listened to all in the desire to do better. All of that was and IS available to your family. The tools and support are out there, will they choose to seek them out?  We don’t make that choice for our families. If they are unable or unwilling to compassionately address harmful patterns, or seek to meet you as an equal its okay to walk away.

You are worthy of having healthy relationships in your life. Your family of origin is not the exception to that rule.

You have permission to end unhealthy relationships.

*Much of this process includes accepting that you may never know, understand or have insight into the actions of your family members