Impostor
I often hesitate to claim expertise in any area. Partially because I deeply enjoy the buffet style of learning - a little bit of a lot of things. But the truth below the buffet table is no matter how much I know about a subject, I feel like an impostor. This is not a unique feeling, we all have this feeling at many points in our lives/day/hours. Recently I learned something that gave me a new perspective on my internal imposter.
I was served a new item at the intellect buffet Polyvagal Theory.
Since I’m about to lean way out over my skis, here are a few short YouTube videos from actual neurological and psychological experts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXGy7M4kvaY https://www.tuneupfitness.com/blog/vagus-nerve/
Here is my entry level knowledge of Polyvagal Theory. We have three parts of our nervous system - dorsal, parasympathetic and ventral. The dorsal nervous system is our base nervous system controlling our need for safety and security, the parasympathetic nervous system gives us the fight or flight response. We also have a higher level nervous system that allows for complex thought and emotional responses and connection, ventral vagal.
These three parts of our nervous system function a bit like a ladder.The lowest rungs are things we do not have conscious control over. They’re always running in the background, ALWAYS. Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it and you take your next breath seamlessly your dorsal nervous system is scanning your body for potential threats to your safety and security.
This makes logical sense, entry level science there are things in our body we don’t consciously control. What i hadn’t quite connected was the that as I sit here, very safe in my home, knowing I’m safe, my nervous system is still scanning to see if there is a threat.
Our neurological security programs only care if we are in danger and have our basic needs met. This scan can often perceive our pursuit of creativity, spirituality or even just the pursuit of something new, as a threat to our safety and security.
The known feels so much safer than the unknown.
When these systems perceive a “threat” they communicate with us through feelings and thoughts. And as much as I’m a fan of direct communication this is an area of growth potential for my nervous system!
Here is how it usually goes:
While writing this post I sat down fully conscious, ready to create and share and connect with my soul work, in my ventral nervous system. My dorsal sees this as a threat, this blog involves me being vulnerable with strangers, and it isn’t a “real $” job. The next thing I know my body feels off and I hear “Erin you’re not a neurologist, what the f*&% gives you permission to talk about the nervous system”. This is the base system - it did a scan and said THREAT TO SECURITY DETECTED - DEPLOY IMPOSTER SYNDROME TO RETURN TO SAFE ACTIVITY. My nervous system is like a computer program that hasn't been updated in a while and is misidentifying threats. To move back toward the ventral system action is needed (fight or flight) so I go get another cup of coffee, while taking this small action I reminded myself I’m safe and there are no threats present. This allowed me to return to a place of connection and begin writing again.
This is a small example of climbing the ladder of our nervous systems. It begins with getting knocked off the top, finding ourselves facing some sort of resistance or desire to maintain homeostasis. When we are able to recognize this and are ready some kind of action needs to be taken to move up the ladder finally reaching the top again. This climb happens again and again throughout our day, even within a single hour, and it doesn't make us weak or limited; it is simply a product of our design.
The good news is, although these base programs don't need deep spiritual connection, we have that capability. There is a part of our nervous system that directly supports our ability for deeper consciousness and connection. The ventral vagal nerves -they are at the top of the ladder. This program has the capacity for creativity, vulnerability, and expansion. Unfortunately we cannot live in ventral - I mean maybe Budda, but last time I checked I was a long way off from full enlightenment. So each day we fluctuate from one system response to the next. .
There is this unspoken expectation that when you become more aware or spiritual or grown up that you will always respond and work from the place of the higher self. It made me feel ashamed of my impostor, ashamed of my self doubt, ashamed of my risk aversion, ashamed of my scarcity mindset, and ashamed my inner saboteur. And shame is a magic killer!
The perspective shift of being able to meet these thoughts with kindness, instead of shame - game changer! Those parts of me are trying to keep me safe, and its definition of safety is rooted in an environment that no longer exists. An environment of black and white, an environment of kill or be killed. I can then look at the anxious thoughts of “I could never be a writer.” “Who makes money as a writer?” “Get a real job.” and say thank you for your desire to keep me safe, I very much appreciate you looking out for me, AND here are all the ways I AM presently safe and secure and can pursue writing. This is the compassionate response I would give a friend who was feeling insecure, why not give it to a part of myself that doesn't feel like it is standing on solid ground.
I recently wrote a thank you letter to my insecurity. It was a really powerful ritual, it helped me have compassion for my WHOLE self and also move forward. I’ve shared it below.
Dear Insecurity,
You did a great job of recognizing hurt today. I knew it was there but you helped me really get in touch with it today. You were right to do so. I was hurt and I was trying to pretend that I wasn’t, that is an unhelpful pattern. It hurt to have someone I care for be unable to commit to meeting my needs. I needed to spend time with that feeling and understand the root of that hurt.
The problem is….. Insecurity, you kinda made the whole issue BIGGER and in doing so made is a lot more opaque. Someone saying No to a request is not the same as me being unworthy of having my needs met. Someone’s choices, action or words do NOT alter my worth. I get you were trying to get my attention but making a thorn feel like a dagger. But what happened was I began treating the symptoms instead of the cause because I was afraid I was going to bleed out!
Once I was able to find the thorn I was able to treat it appropriately. Here is the treatment - I’d like to remind me that I’ve committed to loving myself unconditionally for the rest of my life. We have the love, and commitment of the most important person - ourselves.
So maybe next time insecurity, just tell me there is a thorn insead of making it into a dagger, I promise to listen and honor even the small hurts, they are just as important.
With Love,
Erin
