Maintaining
I wish I could tell you that this third and final chapter on boundaries was the easiest part. Unfortunately it’s the hardest. Knowing what boundaries help you thrive, becomes easier and easier to recognize. Identifying when a boundary has been crossed or a new one needs to be set, uncomfortable, but again becomes easier with practice. Verbalizing your boundary to others and maintaining it, always scary - always hard.
Once out in the world your boundaries become ‘real’. They can be approached, potentially poked, even pummeled or satisfyingly respected by those you interact. I like having control and it took me a long time to learn I don’t have control over how someone responds to my boundary. Negative, shaming or confrontational responses to my boundaries were hard to understand and often shattered my boundaries. But I’m working to maintain those boundaries instead of letting them crumble when tested.
I can’t even tell you I have a secret sauce for how to maintain boundaries. I will sprinkle this post with the quotes and affirmations I use to help remind me that I’m worthy of maintaining my safety, and happiness. What often helps me when I don’t have control is to try and understand the why of a situation.
Why it is so hard to maintain boundaries?
While reflecting on this questions, I was reminded of a classic sitcom troupe. The episode plot in which the wife is over worked and taken for granted. She eventually “blows up” and/or gets a job or hobby outside the household. Chaos ensues when she isn’t home because the husband doesn’t know how to care for his own children/household. By the end of the episode the wife asked for more support (sets boundary) the husband agrees and all ends well. BUT it’s not the end because in the very next episode the wife is still doing it all and the husband is still not helping, the boundary is not maintained. I know we wouldn’t keep watching The Simpsons if Homer suddenly became competent husband, father and nuclear safety inspector, but does that really mean that Marge doesn’t deserve to have her needs meet?
This isn’t just something we see on TV. This cycle of having needs, setting boundaries, only to struggle to maintain those boundaries happens even if you aren’t married to Homer J Simpson. I know it happens to me, frequently.
How many of us have ranted, “Just because they’re my boss doesn’t mean they can talk to me that way! I’m not going to let them continue to treat me like that!” only to find yourself being condescended to the very next day and saying nothing. Or who here hasn’t been upset with a friend for invalidating your feelings and laid in bed determined to have a conversation about how - they don’t have to agree that your boss was being an unmitigated ass but it hurts when they tell you to “just get over it” and “Be happy you have a job.” Only to have drinks with them a week later and say nothing at all.
We don’t have good role models for boundary setting and even fewer examples of boundary maintenance. Partly this is because often boundaries create conflict and we (especially fems) are told to avoid conflict and maintain peace. “Relax” “ Don’t be so serious.” “Its not a big deal.” “It was only a joke.” These are all subtle, societally sanctioned ways a boundary is eroded before it is even fully set.
Conversations about boundaries often have conflict so put on your armor. Repeat your mantras. Breath!
I will leave you a couple of practical things I’ve learned about maintaining boundaries. These are things that work for me take what resonates and leave the rest.
Honesty and Clarity
Be clear and honest about your needs. First with yourself then with others. Use I statements as much as possible. To be sure I know what it is I need and to help create I statements, I journal my unfiltered feelings, then mine what I have written for the nugget of truth in among the big messy feels. Verbal process with a trusted friend, counselor or pet if that’s more your style.
Know your responsibility
What is your responsibility in maintaining the boundary? What can you control? *hint* You can only control your actions.
Consequences
Consequences conjures the image of a toddler in time out but all actions have consequences. Be clear about what it means if the boundary is crossed. If you hate it when your sibling teases you, set the expectations that if they do tease you the response will always be “no thanks”. It’s clear and requires no further conversion.
I promise you can find the people and places that do respect your boundaries. And once you do, even if its just the one friend you call after everyone else has gone to bed, or the coffee shop with the good music and the comfy chair, its gonna feel DAMN good to recognize that feeling.
“Its essential to structure your life so you are in contact with people who respect you, understand you and take you seriously.”
Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
With Love,
Erin
